I just don’t know. .

No one knows what the future holds for you.

I’m the type of person who fixes everything before the actual event, I organized it beforehand so that everything will go smoothly.

I knew it for myself that I did my best, my dormates could testify for it but I still didn’t made it. Up until now I can’t still grasp of reality. November 2, 2017 the date where the result of CPA licensure exam came out. The day before, I’m really happy because my family had time to have a little bonding after visiting the cemetery, Lolo’s graveyard, I even prayed that whatever happens I’ll be grateful because I made it up to this point, that continue to guide us here and wishing that he is in peace with the Lord.

The result’s day was a bit too cozy I didn’t felt anything, I’m not excited nor nervous. I feel like it was an ordinary day that nothing special would happened. The weather was nice, the sun was being blocked by the clouds, not hot, not so cold. As I digged my rice from the rice cooker, I noticed it’s sticker saying “Q.C PASS”. For that reason I ate a lot, I just having the gut that the Lord may find a way for me, I believe that it was His way to tell me that I could PASS it.

I know that I watched a movie with my phone of course that day but sadly as there are tons of movie, kdrama, gag show, comedy and I even dared to watch Chinese drama which is not so me from that day, I can’t even remember what movie I see that day. I constantly checked my Facebook for the PRC’s update up to the point that my eyes hurt from watching and checking for the result. Without even knowing it, I slept

And to my surprise I was still holding my phone; earphone still plugged and Wifi connection still on. I just saw my hands crumble with fears as I held to my phone tightly. I get up from my bed. I sat, I cheked the groupchat head with my classmates and yes there was already a result. It was already one in the midnight, my Mama, Papa,Ate and everyone is asleep. As far as I remembered it was around 11 when the result was released and I just saw it around 1 am of Nov. 3. No other message except from my classmates groupchat and from Marinelle, a friend of mine, just containing my name. From that moment okay I knew it, my name wasn’t on the list then I checked PRC website, scrolling the screen and hoping that my name will appear and at those moment I still don’t feel anything, no butterflies in my tummy, I couldn’t even hear my heartbeat unlike when I’m checking my grades online and all of a sudden my hands was feeling cold. Letter G came, no Garrovillas, I checked thrice if my knowledge about alpabhet is correct, still no Garrovillas, Aileen Valois. No tears fell, I just bit my lips and that’s it.

I prepared six months for it, how I waited for this day to come, it all boils down, that was really it?

I prayed to the Lord that time. I asked Him for guidance, strength, acceptance and to accept it by those people who believes in me and for them to continue to believe and to love me despite of what happened. I even include that maybe Lord you have the best path and destination waiting for me right?

I prepared everything beforehand, I even gave it all yet I failed. Maybe not all things in these world will come to you easily, will come to ypu smoothly, will come to you early.

No one knows what the future holds for me.

I failed to do my exercise, I failed to attend mass rigorously, I am not that good sister to Aram and Bella. I failed to wash my face at night then complaining to have pimples afterwards. I failed to become a nice friend. There are so many times that I fail. But why does it feel like it is my first time to fail? Why does I feel so empty? Why does I feel so bad about myself? Why I feel like am a beast? I dont want to ask the Lord why is it happening to me but want I want to ask him is why feel miserable? I feel I’m being forgotten. I feel I’m not a child. I need You too. Everything will be fine right?

I get off my bed and go to the kitchen. I picked biscuit and chomp it and drunk a lot of water. I go back again in my room and I woke and told Ate Abby which is in the first deck of our bed, “Ate, bagsak ako”. I didn’t even saw her face because it was too dark there was no lights that was on. She said that its fine. I go back to my bed and internalizing to have sleep again since it’s just 3 am. My Mama went on our room to close the window because the rain was pouring so hard and it feels that the rain was the one whose crying for my sake. I took the courage to tell my mom because I think I couldn’t sleep in this state. I’m off the bed and saw ate holding her phone that gave off light on her face maybe she couldn’t also sleep. “Ma, may result na, bagsak ako”, and tears fell. I go straight to comfort room, afterwards I grab another biscuit, sat on sala. Mama was also sitting. She told me na ganun talaga and even asked if my classmates from high school made it and I told her, one pass and the other one was also not in the list. My Ate also comforted me. As my wept gone bigger, my father was on my side asking what was the problem, he might hear it from their room. I don’t have any words to uttered but a “bagsak ako”. He tapped my shoulder and back telling me that everything will be alright that it is fine. I just cry. I just feel that when someone was comforting you, you should cry. It’s fine to be sad, cry if it will feel you better. Do it.

Midnight passed, sun was finally up but still a bit cloudy and dark, my father asked me if what was my plan, and I can’t even answer. I feel lost which in fact I shouldn’t and he tapped my shoulder again.

I arranged my resume, I fill in informatiom in Jobstreet and other job hunting site, I uploaded my resume. I got phone calls, to be interviewed and stuff. My father might noticed I’m not still in myself that’s why he told me to take review again but I told him that I guessed I should first work but he told me that if I wanted to become a CPA I should try again maybe because if I started to work and earning for myself I’ll forget to be one. He encourage me to enroll again in a review center but I told him I don’t want to be in that dorm again and I just wanted to be here. He didn’t asked me why. He even joke me that he will drive me around to a workplace for the interview etc. if they can manage to buy a car next month. I searched for review center here in Laguna, there is two rc, one is in Biรฑan and the other one is in Calamba. I told them and I decided to be part of weekend class in Calamba which is nearer than the other one.

One and half month had passed but I still feel stuck at that moment. My parents afford to buy a new car, I’m happy for that. I already got all my things from my dorm. I already attended 6 classes. I have a hard time riding a jeep, back pain thingy, it so hard to sit in a room that I don’t have anyone I knew except from the coaches and sit for the whole day, my back hurts, I yawn, I feel boring and still trying to focus myself in the board. I ate during breaks on my own.

I knew for myself that I should start studying. The earlier the better because I don’t want myself to accustomed not opening a book and feel at ease. I should accustomed not to quit but negativity was still eating me up. It was like you knew what to do but still doing the otherwise.

My tita even offer me to do a teacher duty in exchange for a compensation. I hated myself that time, I utter stupid thing that I don’t need money because I’m a bummer. I feel that if I’m going to accept that part time for money I should just have to start working. She asked me to compute for the grade, she will just give me the “should be outcome”, I’ll just be the one who’ll fill the blank for whatever I want basta ayun yung magiging resulta. I told her that the student will be pitiful because the grades that they will get will be my trash forecast, it will be unfair for them I know that they are still grade schooler and they don’t even know what their grades are for.I just told Tita that I don’t like doing it. I know I hurt her feelings because I’m so stupid that all my hate for myself, I throwing it out to someone. I’m so lame. I don’t even know want I want. I want to have a money but I dont want to receive it from them. I feel that I’m like a straw sucking up everything from my parents and even from my auntie. I want to gave nice gifts to them this christmas but I think I still couldn’t gave it. I forgot how my tita supported me and cheers me on, whom I feel one of my fan. Maybe because I feel belittle or maybe I wanted to help but I don’t want to compensate in return. I just don’t know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t think properly. From that encounter, I didn’t open my mouth often. I just agree to what my mom is telling me. I just disagree whenever my dad ask me if I want to go to jog even though its raining like seriously. I got alot disagreement with Bella. I agree with Ate. Aram is being neutral, he is a boy who also don’t talk much.
I even got irritated to a lady whose asking for a reload. She asked me for a call and text promo in smart which is I’m not familiar of, that’s why I told her that ,” Ay di ko po alam yun” kasi di ba touch mobile sim ko. And then she said “Eh ano bang alam mo?” with so much irritating voice, I might look so dumb, haggard and all because I can’t sleep soundly. But her remarks made me in hype, she doesn’t even know what I been through.I told her to wait because I’ll going to check it in the back of the notebook of smart loading account. I want to accommodate her badly, for her to have load and in return we will got sale but she told me to make it fast at masusunog daw niluluto nya, again in very bossy manner. I told her na lang na Ate wala pa lang load sa smart jan ka na lang magpaload sa kabilang tindahan. I’m very calm I dont want to be stress. I want to help her but she pull my strings badly that dwells me to reject her. I don’t know. I just want to defend myself from being insulted. I’m slow, I might not know everything but look I’m trying in here. Don’t step and crumple me so many times. I don’t feel sorry for her. She’s the one whose being so rude on me.

The point is I’m still hurting, I don’t want to deal with drama. I just don’t know. The other thing is I got irritated so easily. I’m I nuts? Maybe because I don’t have anything to deal with.

But one thing is for sure, I want to become better, for my own good and to see myself happy again. .

 

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